I wanna try to play the guitar again... J says it's not a problem, that he doesn't mind my ugly music but I still feel awkward. I guess, I'll give it another chance, I can't be absolutely hopeless, right? I know I won't become a popular singer or anything, I just wanna feel that I make music... Yeah, I'll play some tomorrow. It would be great to play for friends on a warm summer night, by a murmuring river, next to a camp fire... But I doubt it will ever happen, so I'll just enjoy the fact of playing.

Once Anne came to visit and I played for her a little and she was impressed She doesn't know one thing about music, so it was really easy to impress her, but still... My point is whatever it is I do with my guitar resembles music and sometimes makes me a little happier like I actually can play (haha), even though my fingertips get sore in no time.

Yeah, I gotta do it tomorrow, definitely.

---

I think this isolation is getting under my skin. I'm bored. I'm not a party animal but it's Halloween for God's sake and I wanna have some fun! When this damned virus is defeated I'll go to some raucous night club and dance and jump and scream until my vocal cords give up. And for now I'm sick of being home all the fucking time. Working, reading, painting, watching TV-shows, playing with the cat, working, reading, painting... I'm getting all moody and pathetic, thinking and rethinking all the same things, craving for old friends and old times, the old me...

---

We were not high out of our wits exactly but quite enough for me to lose focus on reality and get lost amid ideas and scenarios. We stood in the living room by the desk talking and at some point I got distracted by my own thoughts and stopped listening. Josh must have seen the ebb of my attention and decided to snap me back to the world. In one quick thrust he withdrew his right hand from his belt and pointed it at me as if aiming a gun. I felt it was quick but at the same time I saw it in slow motion as it happens to me sometimes when my brain thinks I'm fucked. I thought, "OMG, a gun! No, he can't have a gun! But OMG, what if he does? What if he kills me?", all that ran though my head in a split second. At that moment I really didn't know if he had a gun or not, the reality was blurred, all I knew was that there might be a gun rising to my eye level. And what did I do? I thought, "Fuck it", closed my eyes and prepared for the bang. I almost believed my brain cells were about to decorate the wall and I welcomed it. I could have moved away, I could have attempted to protect myself even if the danger was far-fetched, but I chose to close my eyes and relax. My life did not flash before my eyes, I just felt peace. I opened my eyes two seconds later to see a finger pointed at me. No gun, of course. A Schrödinger's near-death experience. On the one hand, it's hardly an experience at all, while on the other a part of me was ready to give up. And I hate it.

---

Damn, it's still alive! Well, it's great! Because I feel like writing again! No ideas so far, only desire, but it's good anyway.

---

I'm high and I'm outdoors! (let's skip the law part)

Usually in such circumstances I imagine I'm elsewhere or that I'm not me or both. Say, my favorite is to imagine that I'm an alien in a human body seeing Earth for the first time. I see and feel things differently, everything fascinates me...

But today I was happy with what I saw and how I felt and for 10 minutes maybe I just walked amid houses and trees and enjoyed the stroll as it was!

Well, gotta go!

---

Last night we watched American Gods, high. There was a moment when two guys walked into a strip bar, there was a girl dancing beautifully and I was so fascinated, I wanted to keep and keep watching her, but then there were the two guys again and I was peeved. What the hell? I don't wanna see the two dressed guys, I want that sexy half-naked girl! I literally moaned when the girl was replaced! In fact, I sort of forgot we were watching a TV-show, haha)) So, I told my bf I wanted to go to a strip-bar, he laughed and said ok. I'd go alone, really, but it would be too bizarre, don't you think? And my bf would be pissed if he knew I'd gone without him. Then I thought we could invite someone else to come along with us, I told my bf so and for a while we discussed whom we could invite: his best friend is unimployed and will most likely dismiss the proposal, another one started dating a new girl, so I'm pretty sure he will refuse too, etc. Eventually he said he could invite a couple of his female friends, I mused over it for a while and then forgot all about it. In an hour or so he said, "K. replied, she said she'd like to go and she'll be with her boyfriend. She also wants to invite her classmate from England or something". WHAT?! Gosh, I was high, I didn't mean to DO anything until I was sober... When did he even text her? I've only seen the girl one one occasion, we went to an escape room together, it was a couple of years ago... To go to a strip club with a total stranger? Well, it's not that big a deal, of course, but, damn, I don't know the girl OR her bf and especially the exchange student "from England or something"... Five minutes later he proclaimed, "The boyfriend is not coming. He said he could go with his buddies, but not with a bunch of girls". Fair enough...

So, I guess, we're going to a strip bar with two strange girls. Yay...

It's been suuuch a looong time... Gosh, I really wanna see striptease! Good one! I want to see some beautiful bodies dance for me, seduce me... I'd even pay for a private dance if I saw the right girl.

---

Check. Check. Is it still alive?

---

What if I'm tired of being myself? What if I wanna be someone else?

---

I knocked on his door and waited, hardly keeping myself from drumming on it non-stop. Seconds went by and every one of them was an eternity to me. Is he in? What is taking him so long? I knew I kept fidgeting and tried my best to conceal it. Finally, the door opened and the shock of his blond hair along with a pair of concerned eyes came into view.

"Hey", I said.
"Hey", he answered.

A moment later I pushed him inside, pressed against the wall and kissed, while my hands snaked towards his belt. He kissed me back at first, then grabbed my wrists and looked into my eyes.

"What... what is it? What are you doing? I thought we were..."

Then his eyes changed, assuming that acute professional expression, the one I knew so well. I met his gaze and let him study my pupils for a moment.

"Are you high?"
"Uh-huh", I nodded several times and leaned forward to kiss him again.

But he dodged me and made a step aside. He looked at me with his doctor's eyes, as if I were a patient, and it turned me on even more. I knew everything he was thinking.

"What are you on?"
"Shut up", I said, "Playing doctor is fun unless you play it every day. I have it under control, let's just have fun".
"Acid?"
"Jeez, I didn't know it was so damn hard to seduce you! Let's skip the differential diagnosis"
"Ok... are you sure you want it?"
"Yes, I've never been so certain in my whole life!"

The doubt in his eyes subsided and I saw my lust reflect in them. That's when we smiled simultaneously, mirroring one another.

---

I've made my choice and I'm going to buy a kitten in the end of the month. I've been doubtful about the whole idea: will I be a good owner? Will the cat be good enough? Will I hate the mess it will bring along? But I was high the other night and suddenly everything got so clear! Yes, I really want a cat! I'm ready for a cat, I'm going to be good enough and I will have enough wit to find the kitten that is truly destined to be mine.

Oh, I can't wait! The kitten is going to cost me a leg and an arm but I'm quite ready for that. I need a change, my life has been stagnating for too long.

Вопрос: Will it work out perfectly?

1. Yes, it will!		1	(50%)
2. You bet!		1	(50%)
Всего:		2

---

I'm so afraid that Ethan thinks that I am stupid... It was inevitable all along but I hoped this moment would come later. Of course, deep down I hoped it would not come at all. Gosh, I like the guy, he's nice and funny and so smart, I don't want him to look down on me. Is it all my imagination? Does he still think I'm... ok? Wish I could ask him directly. Wish I could count on an honest answer. He's the teamleader and I feel that the question would be utterly unprofessional, besides I wouldn't like to exhibit my own doubts. Do you know how girls often have ugly girlfriends to look better next to them? I need a dumb colleague right next to me so that I looked somewhat smarter. What a vicious plan, hahaha

My colleagues are planning a party and I'm not sure I want to go. There was a message that said everyone was invited but then they kept discussing the matter among themselves, asking one another if they were going and what they were bringing, but no one asked me anything. They work together for a while now and I'm a newbie, I am not sure they even want me there. Besides, I'm a typical wallflower... So, I'm in two minds: I want to go just to see what it's going to be like (as any wallflower would), and I don't want to go because I will feel uncomfortable and awkward.

Shoot me.

---

A lot of people think I look ok, some think I look great for my age, I think I am fat... Well, ok, let's be honest, I'm not exactly fat like Oprah fat but I feel that I'm getting some extra inches around the middle that I in no way appreciate. People keep telling me that I'm nuts and things are fine but hell, you don't see it the way I see it and what I'm seeing is that I'm getting... jelly-like if you know what I mean. And i hate it.

My question is: how do I stop eating? There are fucking tons of sweets around me: brownies, cakes, pies, chocolate, ice-cream, top it off with pizzas, burgers (oh, Gosh, I could kill for a good burger!), burritos and other junk-food. How on Earth am I supposed to resist? I wish I could turn vegan like Julia and lose all the hateful extra pounds and inches but I CAN'T! I feel sorry for the animals, I really do, but I believe that it's their fate and I can't change it, such matters are simply out of my reach. If those animals are meant to die, they will die and my diet has nothing to do with it. I love meat, I love chicken, I love turkey... I have even eatten a rabbit stew and I loved it. There's no way I can switch vegan, I don't even want to. I am too selfish for that. But how can I eliminate sweets? Sugar? Soda? Crap, I have a zero willpower. I feel bad without sugar, physically. Maybe it's a reason to visit my practitioner but I'm not going to.

So... Hello, guys, my name is Gatita_negra and I'm fatter than I wish I were. And maybe older too.

---

Sometimes I think that if I cut my wrist open and post it at Instagram, I'll get a bunch of likes. Maybe I'll give it a try one day, but not right now.

---

Whoa! Shit, this is totally unexpected! New people are reading this! Heeey! Good to see you! Come on in, feel free to express your opinion!

This is gonna be awkward... 'Cause I meant to whine about how shitty things are. Well, it's my fucking diary and I think I can say whtever I wish, right?

Here's the thing... Finally, I've started believing that people may like me but I still don't believe they need me. It's like you really like that nice framed painting on your wall but you can live without it just fine. You'll probably miss it for a while if it's gone and then replace it just to forget all about it. I'm no more than a painting on somebody's wall. We're all just paintings. Sad but true.

My new job is demanding. I sleep badly, I have disturbing dreams that wake me up two or three times a night. They are not exactly nightmares, no clowns with red baloons, no sewers and lepers. It's my job and me unable to do it right. I hope it'll be ok soon. Or I'll go mad.

---

About parenthood and pets

When you have a child, you become a god - all-knowing, almighty, with the power to punish or reward... It doesn't last for ever, probably five or seven years, but still... it's somewhat addictive and I can get it. I want to be someone's god too, even though I know that with great power comes great responsibility. The responsibility part is scary... scary as hell... but being a god is tempting.

However, I will never be a child's almighty god because I will never have a child and that is my own choice. I dislike children. No, it's not quite true. I absolutely, purely LOATHE children. Human children - that is. I like puppies, though, kittens and a lot of others; they are cute, they don't yell, don't burble, don't have tantrums and don't require a ton of investments (as a general rule). But most of all, they become more-or-less independant in quite a short time and that is wonderful! You don't have to spoon-feed a puppy for two years and it won't spit mashed broccoli all over itself in the process. You don't have to read them silly bedtime stories and listen to the bullshit they make up. Animals can't talk and that is what makes them AWESOME! I can handle an animal - a sweet, loving, silent thing that welcomes me when I come home and wants to sit in my lap. Yes, I will indulge my desire to be a god (or my maternal instinct if you wish) by adopting a kitten. And since I'm planning to live alone, I will be his/her only sourse of food and communication and, thus, I will be the God. Almighty and all-knowing. Amen.

---

I walked down the street enjoying the bright colors, sunlight bounced off the tree leaves, fresh summer wind ruffled my hair and I could all but actually see sunbeams kiss my skin. I contemplated the world around me and couldn't get enough, I felt its elaborate perfection in every detail, I saw invisible connections between every minute part of it, every tiny creature. Suddenly, I got scared that I could unintentionally break one of those fragile lines that kept the Universe together. What if I step on an ant and kill it and its death starts an inconceivable chain of events that lead to a great, enormous disaster... this thought almost paralyzed me. When I could move again, I watched every step closely, making sure there were no unfortunate bugs on my way. It slowed me down conciderably. I stopped and took a deep breath, looked about me again. Thankfully, the street was empty, so I let myself relax a little, no one seemed to be watching me. So I kept going, pushing the ant thoughts away, I decided that I should rather think about the big stuff, things I could not harm. I tried to feel the Universe, planets and comets and stars out there, the Milky Way, the unbreakable laws of Physics that made them all move for thousands of years, for millions of years maybe, for so long, that an Earth year was nothing... And they will keep moving on and on without a stop for ever and ever, when every city on this planet is long since turned to dust, till the end of time. And all of that was actually going on right there, right around me... the planets, the gravity that kept them going, the invisible forces... and then I was the ant... a tupid little ant going about its meaningless little business... This picture was about to crash me... it was too much, I had to think something else... An old bench under an old elm tree suddenly swam into view, and taking a seat was suddenly a good idea, so I did. That was when my phone rang. No, no, no, no, no, I can't speak on the phone right now, I thought... and then it hit me - I'm out in the open, anybody can come up to me and talk to me... I had to hide! I got up and made a few steps... I was slightly reeling, That was not good. I stopped again and closed my eyes, took another deep breath and cursed. Then I kept walking just because it was the only thing I could do. And here it was, D's house. He opened the door as soon as I stepped on the porch.
"Hey! I called you! Since when do you dodge my calles? And what are you doing here?"
"I'm being a part of the Universe. Do you have ice-cream?"
"Are you stoned?", asked he matter-of-factly.
"Noooo... I'm lightly buzzed"
"Yeah, I can see that", he said, shrugging. "Come on in, I'll fix you something".

---

I survived! All by myself! Yay!
And since it's not a Twitter, one line is not enough. I should write something else. Hmmm...
Two of my colleagues adopted kittens (almost simultaneously) and of course, now I want one too. I used to be sure I wanted a black cat, absolutely, totally black, without a single white hair and with green eyes. Now I'm in two minds. White cats are beautiful too. I just want a beautiful one... And a nice one of course, friendly, smart. As for colors, I know I don't want a tabby cat, that's all.

How does one pick a kitten? They can't take IQ tests, right? You can't even talk to them to know what's on their mind. All it is is a random choice, a matter of intuition and blind luck. But it's so, so important that you choose right! It would drive me crazy! OMG, there's no way I would be able to choose! How do people do that??

OK, relax, girl, you're not adopting a kitten. I think it's still the caffeine... Shit, but I have problems...

---

I am an overconfident idiot who drank one cup of coffee too many. I felt something was not right but I kept drinking just because I had the cup before me. I feel so miserable now... It's worse than a hangover... Is it a sort of food poisoning? I am sick to my stomach, I'm afraid I may throw up... I am trying to distract myself, not to think about the nausea... And I can feel the pulse in my throat... Gosh, I feel so bad. Caffeine is worse than alcohol! I'm even toying with the idea of calling the ambulance... But what am I going to say? "I've had too much coffee, come check me out"? That's silly. I'll have to wait for it to pass... Wish me luck!

---

I have no friends. And I am lonely. I am not even sure friendship truly exists. Maybe it's better this way. The less people care about me, the better. I have lost one very special person once and I miss him so much. I don't want anyone to feel the same about me when I'm gone. Something is deeply wrong with me, I feel like a miss something important, I am not whole, that's why I can't make connections. Or maybe I'm completely whole, like a noble gas or something.

People keep moving around, walking, speaking, making phone calls, appointments, plans, visual contacts, sex... They keep on flashing in and out of view, dark-haired, blond, red, stocky, slender, short, with moustache, sunglasses, cigarettes, cars... And I stand in the midst of this human turmoil looking this way and that, unseen, untouched, neglected. They rush past me, leaving images that dissolve into faint memories, aeriform and nebulous. They are real people but I don't feel it. All I feel is that we belong to different worlds that have very few points of contact.

Maybe I'm crazy. I don't care. All I care about is how I feel and right now I don't feel that good.

---

Yesterday, on my way to work I saw a Catholic nun walking my way. She was wearing the usual habit consisting of a black tunic with a white collar and a black veil. I don't see nuns often and I thought they were supposed to look timid or something... But she looked so confident and firm and proud... As if she was a soldier wearing fatigues. And I realized, OMG, she really is confident... I would be too if I truly believed that there was an almighty God who loved me and had a plan for me and all that was ahead was an eternity in Heaven. I think it would be great to be a true believer... Catholic or mormon (they are usually outstandingly devoted). But to accept and believe all that bullshit about God and the divine plan and the power of prayer, you have to be born and raised in faith, brainwashed on daily basis for years and years. It would be great to believe that I am loved and protected by God and that if I pray, he will listen... But OMG, this is such a bunch of lies! There's no way I can believe in the Biblical God that created this Earth and all of us in his own image and has a plan for each and every one of us... and that he loves us all equally as his children but some live in luxury and others die of famine and diseases... I am too old, skeptical and cynical to believe in an invisible man in the sky, let alone the whole ridiculous mormon concept. I wish I had that confidence that religion grants, but unfortunately, I'll have to live in doubts.